February 2010

Hello! I decided to use this blog to update on our activities and our family.

February started out fun. Thursday, February 4th, I left for a trip to Montreal. The trip was with my BFF Krissy, her BFF Amanda and Amanda's husband Matt. I will dedicate an entire future post to this trip so I can add more details. The purpose of our trip was to see a hockey game but we saw some sights while we were there also. It was a great time!

While I was on the trip, Chris was busy dealing with Snowmageddon back at home. For those of you not from Pittsburgh, the city was hit with over 2 feet of snow that weekend. Our house was hit pretty hard. That Friday night, a tree landed on our roof. Fortunately not a huge tree, but, a tree nonetheless. It knocked the power lines off of our house and we were left with no power for 5+ days. Braden stayed the weekend with "Grandma & Dude" (Chris's parents), and then both Chris and Braden stayed with my parents. When I returned home, I stayed there as well, while Chris spent nights at the warming station at LVFC. Staying with my parents was interesting, only because I have been on my own for 9 years. But, I am grateful for them, they did everything they could to make our stay more comfortable. The tree was removed on Monday and the power was restored Tuesday. We were able to return home on Wednesday Feb 10th. Thank goodness!



While we were gone, we had a casualty. Braden's fish, "Fishy", did not survive the cold temperatures. We've talked about getting another fish, but I think we're going to get a guinea pig soon instead.



That week was pretty uneventful.... I worked from home (my dad's house) a few days. Valentine's day weekend was spent watching GForce with Braden and ordering Chinese from Peking House. Yum!! All of us were pretty exhausted after all of the work from the week, that week's stress and being nomads for that time!

The following weekend was much more eventful. Saturday we celebrated a special girl's second birthday at the Toy Lending Library! It was a really neat place, Braden really enjoyed himself there and seeing all of his friends from BFF! As usual, he did not want to leave Emma, Sean and Braden, and the evening ended in a tantrum and tears.







Sunday was a baptism for a very special girl! My god-daughter Peyton! She is the daughter of our friends Veronica and Joe. The day went well, Braden behaved a little better during the mass than I had expected, but he started to go wild during the baptism ceremony. But, it was more informal than most that I had attended, so we were able to make it through. It was followed by a lunch at Olive Garden, where Veronica's mom and dad were very nice to treat us.






This is Sean, the godfather, myself holding Peyton, and Veronica and Joe.






This week was busy, between work and Chris's fire hall activities. We had dinner at Oppa's house on Wednesday, and Friday I went with Krissy to take pictures at a basketball game. It had started to snow here again, so our trip to Ambridge was a bit sketchy, but we made it. The highlight of the night for me was learning to use Krissy's camera. She let me use one of her cameras so I could get into the game for free, so I started taking paparazzi photos of the team. It was fun! I could not get over the loud buzzer during the game, but apparently, Krissy didn't even hear it. Our trip home was a bit worse, as the area got a few inches of snow since we left, so I stayed overnight at her house.

Saturday was my dad's birthday. We went over for dinner (tasty chicken with tomatoes and cheese, yum!) We got him a card, and an Arch card, which he was happy about since he likes McDonald's breakfast. The cake was excellent. It was a Raspberry Torte from Signature Desserts. So delicious!!

Today, the last day of February, I didn't leave the house. Scratch that - I left the house only to go to Aldi. This trip led to some interesting conversations between Braden and I. On our way, I told him we were going to Aldi for a few things, and reminded him that Aldi was the store that he helped me shop at last time. He said, "Tell me more about Aldi". And I said more about our last trip there, and reminded him that we have to put a quarter in the carts. He remembered that, and said "Tell me more". So I told him that the food is stocked in boxes in the aisles. Then he started talking about a store that had "lots of ketchup" and "games". I started naming the stores, and after each answer, he said "No." So, I kept naming stores, until he told me, "No. I keep saying no because you're not following my rules of the game". Strange!

When we pulled in the parking lot, he told me he wanted his camera, and he wanted to buy a GPS. ?!?? I'm not sure where that one came from. Then, as we were walking in, he heard church bells, and said "Ice cream!!" Too funny! The trip at the store was great, he has been such a huge helper at the store. After coming home we made brownies, because I promised Braden we would, and I put taco soup in the crock pot for dinner. We all took naps and after nap Chris took Braden outside to play in the snow!

No more excuses.

I just signed up again for Weight Watchers. Last September I signed up for the first time and for the first time in my life was successful at weight loss. When I followed it properly, it worked great. But eventually, as I always do, I got lazy. I thought, I could go one day eating what I want. One day turned into two, turned into three, next thing I know, I fell off the wagon and gave it up completely.

This week I realized that I am back in my old clothes again. The old clothes that were a little big. It feels awful. I feel like I let myself down bigtime this time.

Last September, my goal was to be healthier by the time I turned 30. I am sure that any progress I had is now gone and I have to start all over.

So starting today, I need to take this seriously. I need to be accountable for my own actions. I need to kick my own butt. If there's anyone out there reading this, I need your help. Encourage me to do what's best for me. Help me realize when I screw up.

My last excuse for not joining WW again was that my at work sessions didn't start again. They couldn't get the quota of people so it wasn't happening. Then today my latest excuse was when we found out that Chris's truck needs about $1000 in repairs. When I heard that number, in my head, I thought I could not justify spending the money for WW, and the additional money I spend buying special foods when I am on program.

I told Chris today I wasn't going to sign up, and he asked if it had to do with the truck repairs. When I said yes, he told me he couldn't believe that I would sacrifice my health for that. He has a point. I want to be healthy. I want to feel good again.

I hope that this is the change I need to make things better. I hope that feeling better makes everything else in my life right now fall into place.

I can't be a mouse mommy...

Braden could not wait to play baseball with Chris today. He talked about it all day yesterday, after we saw Shayne change into his baseball uniform, and then again when we bought a baseball hat for 99 cents at Crazy 8. (99 cent hat, yay!!)

As Chris and Brady were walking down the stairs, I hear Chris stop, and say, get me a big container. Last time I heard that there was a massive spider in the basement. I get a gladware container, and come to the top of the stairs. I see Chris approaching a small black spot at the bottom... and I look closer and see a mouse.

Chris is creeping toward it, hoping not to disturb it. I watched as he got to the bottom of the steps and traps the mouse in the container. Braden is very interested in the mouse at this point. Chris brought it back upstairs, and when I saw it, I saw that it was just a baby. Very small, with eyes barely open. Chris showed the mouse to Braden, and we gave it a cracker to see if it would eat.

Braden was fascinated by the mouse. All he wanted to do was pet it, hold the container, and talk to it. I knew we couldn't keep it, but Chris still asked me to look online to see how to care for a young baby mouse. All the sites said that you have to feed it special formula, with a small dropper, every few hours. I knew that it was not practical to keep it, so the mouse just sat around for a few hours.

After Braden's nap, he got up and the first thing he asked was "Where mouse"? He ran right to the container. After talking to it for a minute or two, he said to me, "The mouse is my friend". We had explained to him earlier that we were looking for the mouse's mommy to take care of it and we couldn't keep it. He asked again, "Where mouse mommy?" and I told him again that we hadn't found the mommy yet. He said, "I find mouse mommy myself." After I told him that we couldn't find the mommy, he said, "Mommy, you be mouse mommy too". It almost made me cry. Between the "mouse friend" and him asking me to be "mouse mommy", I didn't know what to do.

Earlier, I had started to explain to him that the mouse may not wake up when he is asking it to get up. I was prepared, since it was just a baby, for it to die today. I didn't know how long it was without food or water. Chris decided that we should go to the pet store, to see what they think we should do, to either keep it, or have them help us.

After arriving at the pet store, Chris asks around, and we find a girl that knows about small animals. We show her the mouse we have and ask what she thinks we can do to help it. She explains that they have a few mother rats in the back that have babies, and that usually when a baby animal (mouse, hamster, etc) is not taken care of, they take it to the mother rats and they take care of the baby. So we explain to Braden that we did not find the mouse's mommy, but we found A mouse mommy that will take care of his mouse.

We walk back to the back of the store and in the back room. At first I was so nervous that Braden would be upset... Chris had him say goodbye to his "mouse friend" before we gave him up. As the girl put the mouse into the tank with the rats, Braden was watching intently as all of the other baby rats started to crawl onto the mouse, and the mouse snuggled up to the mommy rat. I was amazed that there were no tears, nothing sad from Braden, except just a "Goodbye mouse friend." The only sad thing is thinking of what becomes of rats in the pet store... but, at least he will have a better chance than dying alone in my basement.

Several times today with the mouse situation I was moved to tears. I can't believe I taught my son so much compassion in his short life. Watching him as he cared about this small animal that he just met, and listening to him talk to his "mouse friend", and even offering to share his mommy with the mouse... I just couldn't believe how sweet he was.

Resolutions

Every year I make New Year's Resolutions. This year my resolution was not to make a resolution.

Last year's resolutions hit me pretty hard. First and foremost, I wanted to lose weight. Typical, right? Well, I realized that I was turning 30 in 2008, and I wanted to be healthy for the first time ever. So I tried diet and exercise, and quit pretty quickly. Joined Weight Watchers again in September, which is the first thing that ever worked for me. But I have been following it loosely.

Second resolution: To stop biting my nails. I have been doing it for years. Way too long. It would be wonderful to look at my hands and see a woman's hands, not the hands of a nervous teenager biting my nails down to nubs. Do you think this one worked? Nope, as I'm typing, I'm looking at my sad, ragged, peeling, nubby nails.

Third resolution: To get organized. It's my dream, a far-fetched one, but I would love to become a personal organizer. That being said, my own life is a bit of a mess. I cannot practice what I preach. I absolutely LOVE to organize other people's things, and I can seem to find solutions on many things that others just don't see in their own homes. Did this one work? Nope. I'm typing in my dining room next to a towering pile of CD's and a basket of papers a mile high.

This year I did not set myself up for disappointment. However, the house is looking better (even better once I put away the Christmas decorations), and I'm starting Weight Watchers again tomorrow. Wish me luck.

Can't keep it together...

I don't know what's been going on with me lately. For some reason the past few weeks I have not been feeling like myself. I don't know. Just like I have been going through the motions with everything. Every day is the same day. I come home from work, spend some quality time with Braden after dinner (which is the best part of my day), and then race around to get things done around here, just to do it all again the next day. Chris has been doing a ton of projects around the house, and things down at the fire hall that he had been neglecting, since he cut down on being there when Brady was born.

Chris went away for the weekend to Dayton, OH for a fire training class. While he was gone, Brady and I kept busy, but underneath it all, I just felt down. Saturday morning all I wanted to do was sleep. I couldn't shake the feeling of being exhausted.

I was so proud of myself the beginning of this year, by the first week of March I had lost 19 pounds. Now I have stopped watching what I was eating, I'm somewhat of an emotional eater, so, being down made my eating get wacky again.

Last month I realized that I hadn't paid some of our bills, because I didn't "feel like it". I was telling my friend Melissa, and she asked why, and I told her it was because I ran out of stamps. She made sure I got to the post office to buy some. I just feel like I can't get organized, I can't keep on top of things. I can't keep it together. I feel like I'm going through the motions of life. It's hard for me to understand this because I usually keep so positive. Either that or I try to use my sense of humor to cheer me up. Lately I've been avoiding people, on the phone, hanging out, and online. Sorry everyone.

Somehow I have to get out of this slump and turn it into something more positive. I don't know. This week is bad for it. Yesterday was my mom's birthday... it will be 14 years this year since she's been gone. Between that and mother's day... well.... I just need to turn this thing around.

Thanks for reading if you made it this far.

My heart stopped for a minute...

Yesterday Braden and I were just hanging out. Chris went to Home Depot. Brady had been up since 6 am, was starting to get tired at 9:30, so I took him upstairs to his room to give him a nap. I put the music on, he was riding his rocking horse like he always does before bed. I was straightening his covers and stacking up the books, because he likes to read in his crib. I didn't notice he had jumped off of the rocking horse. I said, it's nap time, come here, and he said no, and ran away, toward the steps. I told him to stop but before I knew it he had tumbled down the entire flight of steps.

I watched him fall all the way down, powerless to do anything. My heart stopped for a minute. I couldn't breathe. I ran down the steps faster than I ever had, but afraid I wouldn't be able to stop at the bottom and crush him.

I got to the bottom, he was screaming in a way I had never heard before. But, he reached for me. Screaming and shaking. I picked him up, which now I realized I should not have done. But I held him close, felt his heart pounding against mine. He felt like he was breathing a thousand times a minute. I have never felt the pain I felt at that moment. Even when my mother died years ago... it doesn't compare to the pain I felt that I may have gotten my own child hurt.

After a few minutes, he was still upset, but no longer clinging to me. I kept prodding him, and no part of him seemed injured except for his adorable face. I kept waiting for him to wince or cry out but there was nothing. I was so fortunate. Angels must have been watching out for him yesterday. I couldn't believe how fortunate we were. We were still clinging to each other, and he asked for "choo choo" and pointed at the TV. He has been obsessed with Thomas the Tank Engine, so I put it on, anything he asked for he could have had.

He watched about 15 minutes of TV, then he got up and started walking around. When Chris got home, Brady was laughing and running around like normal. I had called Chris right after he fell, and he kept asking where was I, and why wasn't the gate closed. Now I realize that I should have stayed with him at every second, or closed the gate. These things happen so quickly. I feel blessed that he got out of this only a brush burn on his face from the carpet and a small bruise behind it. His injuries could have been much worse.

Later in the day Chris was joking and told some people that I let Braden throw himself down the stairs. Chris's way of dealing with those situations is to make a joke. Usually I can play along, but this time, it was way too painful. I kept seeing, and still do see, him falling down the stairs in my head, I can see it clearly, and cannot stop it.

He seems just fine... but I keep waiting for some terrible thing to happen. Everyone says young children are resilient, since they can't stop themselves from falling they do not get hurt as badly as adults would. But part of me wonders how he survived the fall with nothing more than a brush burn and bruise. How is that possible?

I still feel like the worst mom in the world. I can't make the feeling go away. Even this morning he woke up at 8:00, he had breakfast and we snuggled and watched a little TV, next thing you know, he seems so tired, so I put him in the crib and he falls right asleep. This is not typical for him. But my logical side says, he was with my parents last night, he was running around and they tired him out, and he didn't fall asleep till about 2 hours past his bedtime, and was woken up multiple times before he was in his own bed. But, the not-so-logical side of me says - I broke him. I let him get hurt.

Hopefully I can get over this soon. Maybe when my smiling son wakes from his nap, reaching for me, excited for what's to come in the day, then I will feel better.

Today...

Saturday's falling down the stairs incident was only part of this bad weekend. Read my other blog for those details. The rest of Saturday went well. He didn't have any serious injuries from the fall. He spent the rest of the evening at my parents house since we had the Installation dinner for Chris's Fire Department. My parents said he acted just fine, and seemed to feel just fine.

Sunday morning he woke up at around 8:00, and hung out with me for about 2 hours. He seemed to be doing alright, a little more clingy than usual and a little under the weather. When Chris woke up at 10:00, I took a shower and started to get ready for the day. When I returned, Brady was snuggled up with Chris and seemed sicker. He didn't want to eat his breakfast, he just wanted to watch TV with Chris. We called the pediatrician since I realized he had a high fever, I was concerned he had some after effects from the fall.

I had planned to take Braden to lunch with a friend, and then we were all going to Krissy's for a Pampered Chef party. Brady loves being at Krissy's house. But I left him home with Chris, skipped lunch, and just picked Melissa up to go to Krissy's. When I got home at around 5:00, Brady spent the day cuddling with Chris and sleeping. I stayed with him for a while, and at 6:00 I put him in his crib so I can have some dinner. He fell asleep easily and slept for an hour. Chris went to his cousin Shayne's birthday party, but Braden and I stayed home since he wasn't feeling well. We spent another hour and a half cuddling until I tried to put him to bed again.

He slept on and off for most of the night, he woke up almost every hour crying. At 3:30 he woke up, seemed to have a lot of energy since he had been sleeping the entire day before. We got up and played, had breakfast (I thought he woke up since he didn't eat at all the day before). He played for a few hours and at 7 am, I was ready for a nap, and I tried to put Brady down as well.

This is the part that killed me. I tried to put him down to sleep, but he started SCREAMING. He was yelling so loud his voice was cracking. I let him go a few minutes but this was not any normal crying, since sometimes I will let him cry it out if necessary.

All day long, I tried everything to tire him out enough to sleep. We went shopping, which he fell asleep in the car, only to wake up when we got home and scream again when left in his crib. I took him for a ride around the neighborhood, same deal. Finally at 2:15 he fell asleep after 10 minutes of carrying on. I felt terrible but he would calm down and eventually wind up again. Finally he fell asleep for two hours, woke at 4:30 crying and really fussy. He kept crying and whining, and clinging to us. After he ate he seemed better... and then fussed when I put him in the crib, but eventually fell asleep, with a bit of crying and yelling but only for about 5 minutes.

After he fell asleep I realized that his ears probably are hurting him terribly, since he only screams and cries when he is trying to lay down. He has an ear infection - so I'll bet it's killing him right now.

This means another trip to the pediatrician - they make a killing off of us. Hopefully someday Brady's immune system will be stronger - so far since Christmas we had a cold that was making Brady not be able to breathe (which ended in Children's ER with a breathing treatment), pink eye with a cold, a double ear infection, and a fall down the stairs. Ugh!!

Sorry for all the rambling - I've just been really concerned about his health lately. I hope everyone is doing well!!!