My heart stopped for a minute...

Yesterday Braden and I were just hanging out. Chris went to Home Depot. Brady had been up since 6 am, was starting to get tired at 9:30, so I took him upstairs to his room to give him a nap. I put the music on, he was riding his rocking horse like he always does before bed. I was straightening his covers and stacking up the books, because he likes to read in his crib. I didn't notice he had jumped off of the rocking horse. I said, it's nap time, come here, and he said no, and ran away, toward the steps. I told him to stop but before I knew it he had tumbled down the entire flight of steps.

I watched him fall all the way down, powerless to do anything. My heart stopped for a minute. I couldn't breathe. I ran down the steps faster than I ever had, but afraid I wouldn't be able to stop at the bottom and crush him.

I got to the bottom, he was screaming in a way I had never heard before. But, he reached for me. Screaming and shaking. I picked him up, which now I realized I should not have done. But I held him close, felt his heart pounding against mine. He felt like he was breathing a thousand times a minute. I have never felt the pain I felt at that moment. Even when my mother died years ago... it doesn't compare to the pain I felt that I may have gotten my own child hurt.

After a few minutes, he was still upset, but no longer clinging to me. I kept prodding him, and no part of him seemed injured except for his adorable face. I kept waiting for him to wince or cry out but there was nothing. I was so fortunate. Angels must have been watching out for him yesterday. I couldn't believe how fortunate we were. We were still clinging to each other, and he asked for "choo choo" and pointed at the TV. He has been obsessed with Thomas the Tank Engine, so I put it on, anything he asked for he could have had.

He watched about 15 minutes of TV, then he got up and started walking around. When Chris got home, Brady was laughing and running around like normal. I had called Chris right after he fell, and he kept asking where was I, and why wasn't the gate closed. Now I realize that I should have stayed with him at every second, or closed the gate. These things happen so quickly. I feel blessed that he got out of this only a brush burn on his face from the carpet and a small bruise behind it. His injuries could have been much worse.

Later in the day Chris was joking and told some people that I let Braden throw himself down the stairs. Chris's way of dealing with those situations is to make a joke. Usually I can play along, but this time, it was way too painful. I kept seeing, and still do see, him falling down the stairs in my head, I can see it clearly, and cannot stop it.

He seems just fine... but I keep waiting for some terrible thing to happen. Everyone says young children are resilient, since they can't stop themselves from falling they do not get hurt as badly as adults would. But part of me wonders how he survived the fall with nothing more than a brush burn and bruise. How is that possible?

I still feel like the worst mom in the world. I can't make the feeling go away. Even this morning he woke up at 8:00, he had breakfast and we snuggled and watched a little TV, next thing you know, he seems so tired, so I put him in the crib and he falls right asleep. This is not typical for him. But my logical side says, he was with my parents last night, he was running around and they tired him out, and he didn't fall asleep till about 2 hours past his bedtime, and was woken up multiple times before he was in his own bed. But, the not-so-logical side of me says - I broke him. I let him get hurt.

Hopefully I can get over this soon. Maybe when my smiling son wakes from his nap, reaching for me, excited for what's to come in the day, then I will feel better.

Today...

Saturday's falling down the stairs incident was only part of this bad weekend. Read my other blog for those details. The rest of Saturday went well. He didn't have any serious injuries from the fall. He spent the rest of the evening at my parents house since we had the Installation dinner for Chris's Fire Department. My parents said he acted just fine, and seemed to feel just fine.

Sunday morning he woke up at around 8:00, and hung out with me for about 2 hours. He seemed to be doing alright, a little more clingy than usual and a little under the weather. When Chris woke up at 10:00, I took a shower and started to get ready for the day. When I returned, Brady was snuggled up with Chris and seemed sicker. He didn't want to eat his breakfast, he just wanted to watch TV with Chris. We called the pediatrician since I realized he had a high fever, I was concerned he had some after effects from the fall.

I had planned to take Braden to lunch with a friend, and then we were all going to Krissy's for a Pampered Chef party. Brady loves being at Krissy's house. But I left him home with Chris, skipped lunch, and just picked Melissa up to go to Krissy's. When I got home at around 5:00, Brady spent the day cuddling with Chris and sleeping. I stayed with him for a while, and at 6:00 I put him in his crib so I can have some dinner. He fell asleep easily and slept for an hour. Chris went to his cousin Shayne's birthday party, but Braden and I stayed home since he wasn't feeling well. We spent another hour and a half cuddling until I tried to put him to bed again.

He slept on and off for most of the night, he woke up almost every hour crying. At 3:30 he woke up, seemed to have a lot of energy since he had been sleeping the entire day before. We got up and played, had breakfast (I thought he woke up since he didn't eat at all the day before). He played for a few hours and at 7 am, I was ready for a nap, and I tried to put Brady down as well.

This is the part that killed me. I tried to put him down to sleep, but he started SCREAMING. He was yelling so loud his voice was cracking. I let him go a few minutes but this was not any normal crying, since sometimes I will let him cry it out if necessary.

All day long, I tried everything to tire him out enough to sleep. We went shopping, which he fell asleep in the car, only to wake up when we got home and scream again when left in his crib. I took him for a ride around the neighborhood, same deal. Finally at 2:15 he fell asleep after 10 minutes of carrying on. I felt terrible but he would calm down and eventually wind up again. Finally he fell asleep for two hours, woke at 4:30 crying and really fussy. He kept crying and whining, and clinging to us. After he ate he seemed better... and then fussed when I put him in the crib, but eventually fell asleep, with a bit of crying and yelling but only for about 5 minutes.

After he fell asleep I realized that his ears probably are hurting him terribly, since he only screams and cries when he is trying to lay down. He has an ear infection - so I'll bet it's killing him right now.

This means another trip to the pediatrician - they make a killing off of us. Hopefully someday Brady's immune system will be stronger - so far since Christmas we had a cold that was making Brady not be able to breathe (which ended in Children's ER with a breathing treatment), pink eye with a cold, a double ear infection, and a fall down the stairs. Ugh!!

Sorry for all the rambling - I've just been really concerned about his health lately. I hope everyone is doing well!!!

One person ruins it for everyone...

Last night we were at South Hills Village, ready to go trick or treating at the mall with countless other children! My friend Chrissy and her two kids were downstairs in the children's play area and we agreed to meet after Chris, Brady and I were done eating dinner.

We finished eating in the food court, put Brady's costume on, and headed out into the mall to go to the bottom floor to meet Chrissy and the kids. The elevator had a big line, and we had the stroller, so we headed into Sears. We took the elevator to the bottom floor and started to head toward the mall. An employee stopped us and said that they were closing the mall and we had to leave. We were confused - but it sounded suspicious when they said it was because of a "mechanical difficulty" - so I started leaving quickly. Chris took the stroller up the escalator - so we got out pretty quickly.

Outside was maybe one or two more families waiting there. I said, I'll bet it's a bomb threat - it's pretty fishy. So ... Chris called the assistant chief and confirmed that it was a bomb threat. Once I heard this I was out of there. I was packing the car up with Brady's stuff, and I heard other people saying, the mall might open again soon, let's just wait. I was like, no way. I'm outta here. Good thing, too, because there was gridlock only a few minutes later when the rest of the mall got out and they began evacuating the parking lot.

We left, drove out of the way towards McMurray because I knew if I drove on rt 19 the other way I would get stuck in traffic. Brady still had his giraffe costume on - I shoved him in his seat to get out quickly, and the giraffe on his hood was annoying him. He was screaming and crying and he didn't have his pacifier because Chris took off in the truck the other direction.

We finally got home unscathed. When I talked to Chrissy later - she said that she saw the stores starting to close their gates and then people started running. She said it was chaos.

It's a damn shame that some ass had to call and make a bomb threat. Honestly. Why someone would want to ruin a day for the kids is beyond me. All the poor little kids were dressed up, and, no trick or treat. Chrissy's son Tyler was upset, one minute he's ready to trick or treat, and the next, in his words, the firemen came and ruined it.

The media said that a "specific threat" was made and that they're looking for the person and they will prosecute.

I have a few issues with the way that this "threat" went down. First, according to the media, the mall patrons and employees were notified by loudspeaker that the mall was evacuating. Chrissy said this is not true - she didn't start to leave until people were running. Second - the people outside, if it's at all suspicious why the mall is closing (and it certainly was), in this day and age you can't fool around with a threat like that. If there is anything I learned from 9/11 it is that you have to take these things seriously. And, I know, having my 1 year old son with me certainly made me take it seriously!!!

So now I'M the sick one.

Braden's platelets are up - in the 300,000 range, which is great! No more blood tests for him!

Me, however, well, let's just say I am not the picture of health.

I've been to the doctor twice this month. I have bursitis in my knee, the result of a fall in the garage (and a bruise the size of my entire knee) and slight hearing loss. The doc has given me three meds to try to unclog my ear. Seems like the last one worked.

Got a blood test as well. Various things wrong with me. I get yet another antibiotic, for some "infection" they found. My white blood count was up which indicated. They think it is in my ear, which may be causing my temporary hearing loss.

And... surprise surprise... high cholesterol. They don't want to put me on a long term maintenance med, so they tell me to take over the counter niacin (a vitamin). It is supposed to open up your blood vessels so there is not as much clogging. My stepmom tells me to take it before I go to bed, apparently it makes you itchy and hot, which shouldn't affect you if you're sleeping.

THAT WAS AN UNDERSTATEMENT. I took one pill (apparently half the dose of what I should be taking). Within 10 minutes I feel itchy. 5 more and my skin is on fire. I literally felt like my skin was too small for my flesh. My fingers felt like sausages and my lips were puckering. It was awful. I ran downstairs to try to cool off, and start feeling like I can't breathe. My pulse was racing. My heart was beating out of my chest. It was exactly how I imagined a heart attack to be. Well, in a few more minutes I was fine.

The doctor said - take an aspirin a half hour before you take the niacin. Fortunately that worked. Last night I kept waiting and waiting to feel like I was on fire again.

Brush teeth

Chris tried to brush Braden's teeth tonight. He would NOT let him. Apparently this is a mom thing! He opened his mouth really wide and let me brush every one!

His new thing is that he likes to dip his food. Everything he eats he wants to dip in something! Today it was fries and honey mustard, yesterday it was quesadillas and salsa!

Also - platelets are good! 215,000! One more blood test to go!

Busy Busy...

Taking a short break from my nightly routine of cleaning up and preparing for the next day to write a quick blog.

Today Chris worked at bingo, so Brady and I met him down there for lunch. Brady made a beeline for Chris every time he caught his eye. He literally ran to him a couple of times. He ran back to me, but only when I had food! Other than the time at the fire hall today was a "mommy day". Each day he seems to choose one or the other of us, and the other one gets snubbed!

I dropped him off at "Aunt Nicole's" house because she was going to watch him for a couple hours while I went to a Tastefully Simple party at one of the Pittsburgh Mom's houses. He did very well at Nicole's. I was impressed, because a lot of times he acts up when he's staying with someone who hasn't watched him before.

The Tastefully Simple party was fun. I always like tasting all of the new foods! Susan, the consultant, is from the Mom's group as well, and she's very sweet. I also saw Suzanne, another friend from the mom's group, and she brought me a huge box of magazines! Janet, the hostess, gave me a bunch of little boys clothes that Brady can grow into!

So, I guess I better get back to cleaning up. Sorry for the boring blog, but, it's a boring day! Back to work tomorrow!

Another day...

This morning I went to the big consignment sale to check it out. I got a few things - a few pieces of clothing for Brady, a pair of shoes, a Little People barn and some random little toys. I'm selling things there too. So far after one day of the sale (plus the pre-sale) I've sold $60 of my stuff. Hopefully after the week I do better!

The past few days I have not been feeling so well. I have no other signs, just really tired. Thursday I started to feel like crap. I came home and fell asleep on the couch at 8:00 that night, and didn't wake up until work on Friday. Then last night after Chris and I went shopping, I couldn't wait to go to sleep.

I had an almost 2 hour nap this afternoon, and then fell asleep almost 2 hours on the couch tonight. My head is pounding. I'm stressing out over all the stuff I should have done instead of sleeping.

We visited Michele and Leo today. I was headed to the mall to take Brady to play in the kid's area, but called her and went over to her house instead. It's so funny to watch the two of the kids together. They are hilarious together. At one point they were trying to hit each other with the little metal pots and pans from Leo's kitchen. We had to step in at that point.

I guess I should get to work. I need to do some laundry, load the dishwasher, clean up the toys. Chris is working at a wedding at the fire hall tonight. He should be home soon.