Can't keep it together...

I don't know what's been going on with me lately. For some reason the past few weeks I have not been feeling like myself. I don't know. Just like I have been going through the motions with everything. Every day is the same day. I come home from work, spend some quality time with Braden after dinner (which is the best part of my day), and then race around to get things done around here, just to do it all again the next day. Chris has been doing a ton of projects around the house, and things down at the fire hall that he had been neglecting, since he cut down on being there when Brady was born.

Chris went away for the weekend to Dayton, OH for a fire training class. While he was gone, Brady and I kept busy, but underneath it all, I just felt down. Saturday morning all I wanted to do was sleep. I couldn't shake the feeling of being exhausted.

I was so proud of myself the beginning of this year, by the first week of March I had lost 19 pounds. Now I have stopped watching what I was eating, I'm somewhat of an emotional eater, so, being down made my eating get wacky again.

Last month I realized that I hadn't paid some of our bills, because I didn't "feel like it". I was telling my friend Melissa, and she asked why, and I told her it was because I ran out of stamps. She made sure I got to the post office to buy some. I just feel like I can't get organized, I can't keep on top of things. I can't keep it together. I feel like I'm going through the motions of life. It's hard for me to understand this because I usually keep so positive. Either that or I try to use my sense of humor to cheer me up. Lately I've been avoiding people, on the phone, hanging out, and online. Sorry everyone.

Somehow I have to get out of this slump and turn it into something more positive. I don't know. This week is bad for it. Yesterday was my mom's birthday... it will be 14 years this year since she's been gone. Between that and mother's day... well.... I just need to turn this thing around.

Thanks for reading if you made it this far.

My heart stopped for a minute...

Yesterday Braden and I were just hanging out. Chris went to Home Depot. Brady had been up since 6 am, was starting to get tired at 9:30, so I took him upstairs to his room to give him a nap. I put the music on, he was riding his rocking horse like he always does before bed. I was straightening his covers and stacking up the books, because he likes to read in his crib. I didn't notice he had jumped off of the rocking horse. I said, it's nap time, come here, and he said no, and ran away, toward the steps. I told him to stop but before I knew it he had tumbled down the entire flight of steps.

I watched him fall all the way down, powerless to do anything. My heart stopped for a minute. I couldn't breathe. I ran down the steps faster than I ever had, but afraid I wouldn't be able to stop at the bottom and crush him.

I got to the bottom, he was screaming in a way I had never heard before. But, he reached for me. Screaming and shaking. I picked him up, which now I realized I should not have done. But I held him close, felt his heart pounding against mine. He felt like he was breathing a thousand times a minute. I have never felt the pain I felt at that moment. Even when my mother died years ago... it doesn't compare to the pain I felt that I may have gotten my own child hurt.

After a few minutes, he was still upset, but no longer clinging to me. I kept prodding him, and no part of him seemed injured except for his adorable face. I kept waiting for him to wince or cry out but there was nothing. I was so fortunate. Angels must have been watching out for him yesterday. I couldn't believe how fortunate we were. We were still clinging to each other, and he asked for "choo choo" and pointed at the TV. He has been obsessed with Thomas the Tank Engine, so I put it on, anything he asked for he could have had.

He watched about 15 minutes of TV, then he got up and started walking around. When Chris got home, Brady was laughing and running around like normal. I had called Chris right after he fell, and he kept asking where was I, and why wasn't the gate closed. Now I realize that I should have stayed with him at every second, or closed the gate. These things happen so quickly. I feel blessed that he got out of this only a brush burn on his face from the carpet and a small bruise behind it. His injuries could have been much worse.

Later in the day Chris was joking and told some people that I let Braden throw himself down the stairs. Chris's way of dealing with those situations is to make a joke. Usually I can play along, but this time, it was way too painful. I kept seeing, and still do see, him falling down the stairs in my head, I can see it clearly, and cannot stop it.

He seems just fine... but I keep waiting for some terrible thing to happen. Everyone says young children are resilient, since they can't stop themselves from falling they do not get hurt as badly as adults would. But part of me wonders how he survived the fall with nothing more than a brush burn and bruise. How is that possible?

I still feel like the worst mom in the world. I can't make the feeling go away. Even this morning he woke up at 8:00, he had breakfast and we snuggled and watched a little TV, next thing you know, he seems so tired, so I put him in the crib and he falls right asleep. This is not typical for him. But my logical side says, he was with my parents last night, he was running around and they tired him out, and he didn't fall asleep till about 2 hours past his bedtime, and was woken up multiple times before he was in his own bed. But, the not-so-logical side of me says - I broke him. I let him get hurt.

Hopefully I can get over this soon. Maybe when my smiling son wakes from his nap, reaching for me, excited for what's to come in the day, then I will feel better.

Today...

Saturday's falling down the stairs incident was only part of this bad weekend. Read my other blog for those details. The rest of Saturday went well. He didn't have any serious injuries from the fall. He spent the rest of the evening at my parents house since we had the Installation dinner for Chris's Fire Department. My parents said he acted just fine, and seemed to feel just fine.

Sunday morning he woke up at around 8:00, and hung out with me for about 2 hours. He seemed to be doing alright, a little more clingy than usual and a little under the weather. When Chris woke up at 10:00, I took a shower and started to get ready for the day. When I returned, Brady was snuggled up with Chris and seemed sicker. He didn't want to eat his breakfast, he just wanted to watch TV with Chris. We called the pediatrician since I realized he had a high fever, I was concerned he had some after effects from the fall.

I had planned to take Braden to lunch with a friend, and then we were all going to Krissy's for a Pampered Chef party. Brady loves being at Krissy's house. But I left him home with Chris, skipped lunch, and just picked Melissa up to go to Krissy's. When I got home at around 5:00, Brady spent the day cuddling with Chris and sleeping. I stayed with him for a while, and at 6:00 I put him in his crib so I can have some dinner. He fell asleep easily and slept for an hour. Chris went to his cousin Shayne's birthday party, but Braden and I stayed home since he wasn't feeling well. We spent another hour and a half cuddling until I tried to put him to bed again.

He slept on and off for most of the night, he woke up almost every hour crying. At 3:30 he woke up, seemed to have a lot of energy since he had been sleeping the entire day before. We got up and played, had breakfast (I thought he woke up since he didn't eat at all the day before). He played for a few hours and at 7 am, I was ready for a nap, and I tried to put Brady down as well.

This is the part that killed me. I tried to put him down to sleep, but he started SCREAMING. He was yelling so loud his voice was cracking. I let him go a few minutes but this was not any normal crying, since sometimes I will let him cry it out if necessary.

All day long, I tried everything to tire him out enough to sleep. We went shopping, which he fell asleep in the car, only to wake up when we got home and scream again when left in his crib. I took him for a ride around the neighborhood, same deal. Finally at 2:15 he fell asleep after 10 minutes of carrying on. I felt terrible but he would calm down and eventually wind up again. Finally he fell asleep for two hours, woke at 4:30 crying and really fussy. He kept crying and whining, and clinging to us. After he ate he seemed better... and then fussed when I put him in the crib, but eventually fell asleep, with a bit of crying and yelling but only for about 5 minutes.

After he fell asleep I realized that his ears probably are hurting him terribly, since he only screams and cries when he is trying to lay down. He has an ear infection - so I'll bet it's killing him right now.

This means another trip to the pediatrician - they make a killing off of us. Hopefully someday Brady's immune system will be stronger - so far since Christmas we had a cold that was making Brady not be able to breathe (which ended in Children's ER with a breathing treatment), pink eye with a cold, a double ear infection, and a fall down the stairs. Ugh!!

Sorry for all the rambling - I've just been really concerned about his health lately. I hope everyone is doing well!!!