Yesterday Braden and I were just hanging out. Chris went to Home Depot. Brady had been up since 6 am, was starting to get tired at 9:30, so I took him upstairs to his room to give him a nap. I put the music on, he was riding his rocking horse like he always does before bed. I was straightening his covers and stacking up the books, because he likes to read in his crib. I didn't notice he had jumped off of the rocking horse. I said, it's nap time, come here, and he said no, and ran away, toward the steps. I told him to stop but before I knew it he had tumbled down the entire flight of steps.
I watched him fall all the way down, powerless to do anything. My heart stopped for a minute. I couldn't breathe. I ran down the steps faster than I ever had, but afraid I wouldn't be able to stop at the bottom and crush him.
I got to the bottom, he was screaming in a way I had never heard before. But, he reached for me. Screaming and shaking. I picked him up, which now I realized I should not have done. But I held him close, felt his heart pounding against mine. He felt like he was breathing a thousand times a minute. I have never felt the pain I felt at that moment. Even when my mother died years ago... it doesn't compare to the pain I felt that I may have gotten my own child hurt.
After a few minutes, he was still upset, but no longer clinging to me. I kept prodding him, and no part of him seemed injured except for his adorable face. I kept waiting for him to wince or cry out but there was nothing. I was so fortunate. Angels must have been watching out for him yesterday. I couldn't believe how fortunate we were. We were still clinging to each other, and he asked for "choo choo" and pointed at the TV. He has been obsessed with Thomas the Tank Engine, so I put it on, anything he asked for he could have had.
He watched about 15 minutes of TV, then he got up and started walking around. When Chris got home, Brady was laughing and running around like normal. I had called Chris right after he fell, and he kept asking where was I, and why wasn't the gate closed. Now I realize that I should have stayed with him at every second, or closed the gate. These things happen so quickly. I feel blessed that he got out of this only a brush burn on his face from the carpet and a small bruise behind it. His injuries could have been much worse.
Later in the day Chris was joking and told some people that I let Braden throw himself down the stairs. Chris's way of dealing with those situations is to make a joke. Usually I can play along, but this time, it was way too painful. I kept seeing, and still do see, him falling down the stairs in my head, I can see it clearly, and cannot stop it.
He seems just fine... but I keep waiting for some terrible thing to happen. Everyone says young children are resilient, since they can't stop themselves from falling they do not get hurt as badly as adults would. But part of me wonders how he survived the fall with nothing more than a brush burn and bruise. How is that possible?
I still feel like the worst mom in the world. I can't make the feeling go away. Even this morning he woke up at 8:00, he had breakfast and we snuggled and watched a little TV, next thing you know, he seems so tired, so I put him in the crib and he falls right asleep. This is not typical for him. But my logical side says, he was with my parents last night, he was running around and they tired him out, and he didn't fall asleep till about 2 hours past his bedtime, and was woken up multiple times before he was in his own bed. But, the not-so-logical side of me says - I broke him. I let him get hurt.
Hopefully I can get over this soon. Maybe when my smiling son wakes from his nap, reaching for me, excited for what's to come in the day, then I will feel better.
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