I can't be a mouse mommy...

Braden could not wait to play baseball with Chris today. He talked about it all day yesterday, after we saw Shayne change into his baseball uniform, and then again when we bought a baseball hat for 99 cents at Crazy 8. (99 cent hat, yay!!)

As Chris and Brady were walking down the stairs, I hear Chris stop, and say, get me a big container. Last time I heard that there was a massive spider in the basement. I get a gladware container, and come to the top of the stairs. I see Chris approaching a small black spot at the bottom... and I look closer and see a mouse.

Chris is creeping toward it, hoping not to disturb it. I watched as he got to the bottom of the steps and traps the mouse in the container. Braden is very interested in the mouse at this point. Chris brought it back upstairs, and when I saw it, I saw that it was just a baby. Very small, with eyes barely open. Chris showed the mouse to Braden, and we gave it a cracker to see if it would eat.

Braden was fascinated by the mouse. All he wanted to do was pet it, hold the container, and talk to it. I knew we couldn't keep it, but Chris still asked me to look online to see how to care for a young baby mouse. All the sites said that you have to feed it special formula, with a small dropper, every few hours. I knew that it was not practical to keep it, so the mouse just sat around for a few hours.

After Braden's nap, he got up and the first thing he asked was "Where mouse"? He ran right to the container. After talking to it for a minute or two, he said to me, "The mouse is my friend". We had explained to him earlier that we were looking for the mouse's mommy to take care of it and we couldn't keep it. He asked again, "Where mouse mommy?" and I told him again that we hadn't found the mommy yet. He said, "I find mouse mommy myself." After I told him that we couldn't find the mommy, he said, "Mommy, you be mouse mommy too". It almost made me cry. Between the "mouse friend" and him asking me to be "mouse mommy", I didn't know what to do.

Earlier, I had started to explain to him that the mouse may not wake up when he is asking it to get up. I was prepared, since it was just a baby, for it to die today. I didn't know how long it was without food or water. Chris decided that we should go to the pet store, to see what they think we should do, to either keep it, or have them help us.

After arriving at the pet store, Chris asks around, and we find a girl that knows about small animals. We show her the mouse we have and ask what she thinks we can do to help it. She explains that they have a few mother rats in the back that have babies, and that usually when a baby animal (mouse, hamster, etc) is not taken care of, they take it to the mother rats and they take care of the baby. So we explain to Braden that we did not find the mouse's mommy, but we found A mouse mommy that will take care of his mouse.

We walk back to the back of the store and in the back room. At first I was so nervous that Braden would be upset... Chris had him say goodbye to his "mouse friend" before we gave him up. As the girl put the mouse into the tank with the rats, Braden was watching intently as all of the other baby rats started to crawl onto the mouse, and the mouse snuggled up to the mommy rat. I was amazed that there were no tears, nothing sad from Braden, except just a "Goodbye mouse friend." The only sad thing is thinking of what becomes of rats in the pet store... but, at least he will have a better chance than dying alone in my basement.

Several times today with the mouse situation I was moved to tears. I can't believe I taught my son so much compassion in his short life. Watching him as he cared about this small animal that he just met, and listening to him talk to his "mouse friend", and even offering to share his mommy with the mouse... I just couldn't believe how sweet he was.

Resolutions

Every year I make New Year's Resolutions. This year my resolution was not to make a resolution.

Last year's resolutions hit me pretty hard. First and foremost, I wanted to lose weight. Typical, right? Well, I realized that I was turning 30 in 2008, and I wanted to be healthy for the first time ever. So I tried diet and exercise, and quit pretty quickly. Joined Weight Watchers again in September, which is the first thing that ever worked for me. But I have been following it loosely.

Second resolution: To stop biting my nails. I have been doing it for years. Way too long. It would be wonderful to look at my hands and see a woman's hands, not the hands of a nervous teenager biting my nails down to nubs. Do you think this one worked? Nope, as I'm typing, I'm looking at my sad, ragged, peeling, nubby nails.

Third resolution: To get organized. It's my dream, a far-fetched one, but I would love to become a personal organizer. That being said, my own life is a bit of a mess. I cannot practice what I preach. I absolutely LOVE to organize other people's things, and I can seem to find solutions on many things that others just don't see in their own homes. Did this one work? Nope. I'm typing in my dining room next to a towering pile of CD's and a basket of papers a mile high.

This year I did not set myself up for disappointment. However, the house is looking better (even better once I put away the Christmas decorations), and I'm starting Weight Watchers again tomorrow. Wish me luck.

Can't keep it together...

I don't know what's been going on with me lately. For some reason the past few weeks I have not been feeling like myself. I don't know. Just like I have been going through the motions with everything. Every day is the same day. I come home from work, spend some quality time with Braden after dinner (which is the best part of my day), and then race around to get things done around here, just to do it all again the next day. Chris has been doing a ton of projects around the house, and things down at the fire hall that he had been neglecting, since he cut down on being there when Brady was born.

Chris went away for the weekend to Dayton, OH for a fire training class. While he was gone, Brady and I kept busy, but underneath it all, I just felt down. Saturday morning all I wanted to do was sleep. I couldn't shake the feeling of being exhausted.

I was so proud of myself the beginning of this year, by the first week of March I had lost 19 pounds. Now I have stopped watching what I was eating, I'm somewhat of an emotional eater, so, being down made my eating get wacky again.

Last month I realized that I hadn't paid some of our bills, because I didn't "feel like it". I was telling my friend Melissa, and she asked why, and I told her it was because I ran out of stamps. She made sure I got to the post office to buy some. I just feel like I can't get organized, I can't keep on top of things. I can't keep it together. I feel like I'm going through the motions of life. It's hard for me to understand this because I usually keep so positive. Either that or I try to use my sense of humor to cheer me up. Lately I've been avoiding people, on the phone, hanging out, and online. Sorry everyone.

Somehow I have to get out of this slump and turn it into something more positive. I don't know. This week is bad for it. Yesterday was my mom's birthday... it will be 14 years this year since she's been gone. Between that and mother's day... well.... I just need to turn this thing around.

Thanks for reading if you made it this far.

My heart stopped for a minute...

Yesterday Braden and I were just hanging out. Chris went to Home Depot. Brady had been up since 6 am, was starting to get tired at 9:30, so I took him upstairs to his room to give him a nap. I put the music on, he was riding his rocking horse like he always does before bed. I was straightening his covers and stacking up the books, because he likes to read in his crib. I didn't notice he had jumped off of the rocking horse. I said, it's nap time, come here, and he said no, and ran away, toward the steps. I told him to stop but before I knew it he had tumbled down the entire flight of steps.

I watched him fall all the way down, powerless to do anything. My heart stopped for a minute. I couldn't breathe. I ran down the steps faster than I ever had, but afraid I wouldn't be able to stop at the bottom and crush him.

I got to the bottom, he was screaming in a way I had never heard before. But, he reached for me. Screaming and shaking. I picked him up, which now I realized I should not have done. But I held him close, felt his heart pounding against mine. He felt like he was breathing a thousand times a minute. I have never felt the pain I felt at that moment. Even when my mother died years ago... it doesn't compare to the pain I felt that I may have gotten my own child hurt.

After a few minutes, he was still upset, but no longer clinging to me. I kept prodding him, and no part of him seemed injured except for his adorable face. I kept waiting for him to wince or cry out but there was nothing. I was so fortunate. Angels must have been watching out for him yesterday. I couldn't believe how fortunate we were. We were still clinging to each other, and he asked for "choo choo" and pointed at the TV. He has been obsessed with Thomas the Tank Engine, so I put it on, anything he asked for he could have had.

He watched about 15 minutes of TV, then he got up and started walking around. When Chris got home, Brady was laughing and running around like normal. I had called Chris right after he fell, and he kept asking where was I, and why wasn't the gate closed. Now I realize that I should have stayed with him at every second, or closed the gate. These things happen so quickly. I feel blessed that he got out of this only a brush burn on his face from the carpet and a small bruise behind it. His injuries could have been much worse.

Later in the day Chris was joking and told some people that I let Braden throw himself down the stairs. Chris's way of dealing with those situations is to make a joke. Usually I can play along, but this time, it was way too painful. I kept seeing, and still do see, him falling down the stairs in my head, I can see it clearly, and cannot stop it.

He seems just fine... but I keep waiting for some terrible thing to happen. Everyone says young children are resilient, since they can't stop themselves from falling they do not get hurt as badly as adults would. But part of me wonders how he survived the fall with nothing more than a brush burn and bruise. How is that possible?

I still feel like the worst mom in the world. I can't make the feeling go away. Even this morning he woke up at 8:00, he had breakfast and we snuggled and watched a little TV, next thing you know, he seems so tired, so I put him in the crib and he falls right asleep. This is not typical for him. But my logical side says, he was with my parents last night, he was running around and they tired him out, and he didn't fall asleep till about 2 hours past his bedtime, and was woken up multiple times before he was in his own bed. But, the not-so-logical side of me says - I broke him. I let him get hurt.

Hopefully I can get over this soon. Maybe when my smiling son wakes from his nap, reaching for me, excited for what's to come in the day, then I will feel better.

Today...

Saturday's falling down the stairs incident was only part of this bad weekend. Read my other blog for those details. The rest of Saturday went well. He didn't have any serious injuries from the fall. He spent the rest of the evening at my parents house since we had the Installation dinner for Chris's Fire Department. My parents said he acted just fine, and seemed to feel just fine.

Sunday morning he woke up at around 8:00, and hung out with me for about 2 hours. He seemed to be doing alright, a little more clingy than usual and a little under the weather. When Chris woke up at 10:00, I took a shower and started to get ready for the day. When I returned, Brady was snuggled up with Chris and seemed sicker. He didn't want to eat his breakfast, he just wanted to watch TV with Chris. We called the pediatrician since I realized he had a high fever, I was concerned he had some after effects from the fall.

I had planned to take Braden to lunch with a friend, and then we were all going to Krissy's for a Pampered Chef party. Brady loves being at Krissy's house. But I left him home with Chris, skipped lunch, and just picked Melissa up to go to Krissy's. When I got home at around 5:00, Brady spent the day cuddling with Chris and sleeping. I stayed with him for a while, and at 6:00 I put him in his crib so I can have some dinner. He fell asleep easily and slept for an hour. Chris went to his cousin Shayne's birthday party, but Braden and I stayed home since he wasn't feeling well. We spent another hour and a half cuddling until I tried to put him to bed again.

He slept on and off for most of the night, he woke up almost every hour crying. At 3:30 he woke up, seemed to have a lot of energy since he had been sleeping the entire day before. We got up and played, had breakfast (I thought he woke up since he didn't eat at all the day before). He played for a few hours and at 7 am, I was ready for a nap, and I tried to put Brady down as well.

This is the part that killed me. I tried to put him down to sleep, but he started SCREAMING. He was yelling so loud his voice was cracking. I let him go a few minutes but this was not any normal crying, since sometimes I will let him cry it out if necessary.

All day long, I tried everything to tire him out enough to sleep. We went shopping, which he fell asleep in the car, only to wake up when we got home and scream again when left in his crib. I took him for a ride around the neighborhood, same deal. Finally at 2:15 he fell asleep after 10 minutes of carrying on. I felt terrible but he would calm down and eventually wind up again. Finally he fell asleep for two hours, woke at 4:30 crying and really fussy. He kept crying and whining, and clinging to us. After he ate he seemed better... and then fussed when I put him in the crib, but eventually fell asleep, with a bit of crying and yelling but only for about 5 minutes.

After he fell asleep I realized that his ears probably are hurting him terribly, since he only screams and cries when he is trying to lay down. He has an ear infection - so I'll bet it's killing him right now.

This means another trip to the pediatrician - they make a killing off of us. Hopefully someday Brady's immune system will be stronger - so far since Christmas we had a cold that was making Brady not be able to breathe (which ended in Children's ER with a breathing treatment), pink eye with a cold, a double ear infection, and a fall down the stairs. Ugh!!

Sorry for all the rambling - I've just been really concerned about his health lately. I hope everyone is doing well!!!

One person ruins it for everyone...

Last night we were at South Hills Village, ready to go trick or treating at the mall with countless other children! My friend Chrissy and her two kids were downstairs in the children's play area and we agreed to meet after Chris, Brady and I were done eating dinner.

We finished eating in the food court, put Brady's costume on, and headed out into the mall to go to the bottom floor to meet Chrissy and the kids. The elevator had a big line, and we had the stroller, so we headed into Sears. We took the elevator to the bottom floor and started to head toward the mall. An employee stopped us and said that they were closing the mall and we had to leave. We were confused - but it sounded suspicious when they said it was because of a "mechanical difficulty" - so I started leaving quickly. Chris took the stroller up the escalator - so we got out pretty quickly.

Outside was maybe one or two more families waiting there. I said, I'll bet it's a bomb threat - it's pretty fishy. So ... Chris called the assistant chief and confirmed that it was a bomb threat. Once I heard this I was out of there. I was packing the car up with Brady's stuff, and I heard other people saying, the mall might open again soon, let's just wait. I was like, no way. I'm outta here. Good thing, too, because there was gridlock only a few minutes later when the rest of the mall got out and they began evacuating the parking lot.

We left, drove out of the way towards McMurray because I knew if I drove on rt 19 the other way I would get stuck in traffic. Brady still had his giraffe costume on - I shoved him in his seat to get out quickly, and the giraffe on his hood was annoying him. He was screaming and crying and he didn't have his pacifier because Chris took off in the truck the other direction.

We finally got home unscathed. When I talked to Chrissy later - she said that she saw the stores starting to close their gates and then people started running. She said it was chaos.

It's a damn shame that some ass had to call and make a bomb threat. Honestly. Why someone would want to ruin a day for the kids is beyond me. All the poor little kids were dressed up, and, no trick or treat. Chrissy's son Tyler was upset, one minute he's ready to trick or treat, and the next, in his words, the firemen came and ruined it.

The media said that a "specific threat" was made and that they're looking for the person and they will prosecute.

I have a few issues with the way that this "threat" went down. First, according to the media, the mall patrons and employees were notified by loudspeaker that the mall was evacuating. Chrissy said this is not true - she didn't start to leave until people were running. Second - the people outside, if it's at all suspicious why the mall is closing (and it certainly was), in this day and age you can't fool around with a threat like that. If there is anything I learned from 9/11 it is that you have to take these things seriously. And, I know, having my 1 year old son with me certainly made me take it seriously!!!

So now I'M the sick one.

Braden's platelets are up - in the 300,000 range, which is great! No more blood tests for him!

Me, however, well, let's just say I am not the picture of health.

I've been to the doctor twice this month. I have bursitis in my knee, the result of a fall in the garage (and a bruise the size of my entire knee) and slight hearing loss. The doc has given me three meds to try to unclog my ear. Seems like the last one worked.

Got a blood test as well. Various things wrong with me. I get yet another antibiotic, for some "infection" they found. My white blood count was up which indicated. They think it is in my ear, which may be causing my temporary hearing loss.

And... surprise surprise... high cholesterol. They don't want to put me on a long term maintenance med, so they tell me to take over the counter niacin (a vitamin). It is supposed to open up your blood vessels so there is not as much clogging. My stepmom tells me to take it before I go to bed, apparently it makes you itchy and hot, which shouldn't affect you if you're sleeping.

THAT WAS AN UNDERSTATEMENT. I took one pill (apparently half the dose of what I should be taking). Within 10 minutes I feel itchy. 5 more and my skin is on fire. I literally felt like my skin was too small for my flesh. My fingers felt like sausages and my lips were puckering. It was awful. I ran downstairs to try to cool off, and start feeling like I can't breathe. My pulse was racing. My heart was beating out of my chest. It was exactly how I imagined a heart attack to be. Well, in a few more minutes I was fine.

The doctor said - take an aspirin a half hour before you take the niacin. Fortunately that worked. Last night I kept waiting and waiting to feel like I was on fire again.